I havent ever really had a song with someone i was seeing ... i had many that i liked or they liked but this time i found one that we both feel is US.... i saw it performed teh other day on the CMT channel ( i know michael on CMT what ... ) and i cried knowng that is how i felt :)

To CHRIS:
"Got It Right This Time"
by Keith Urban

She believes in me like I've been trying to do
And she'd think I've never seen the cold
Ever since she came into my life
I've been a better man

Run, run running, I was running scared
Always looking for a place to leave
And I couldn't seem to find where I belonged
'til she took my hand

We can make this work out, baby
I know it's true
I can't picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time
Oh, yeah

All of my life I've been looking for someone
Who believes in love the way I do
Know I made several big mistakes
But girl I promise you

We can make this work out, baby
I know it's true
I can't picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time

True believers always find each other and here we are
Always knew that you were out there just waiting on me
For me to find my way, find my way to your heart
Oh, yeah

We can make it work out, baby
I know it's true
Can't picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time

Yeah, after all the crazy days
Made it through
I can't picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time

so many thoughts in my head ...

i think it is the end of another chapter/era...

i have been checking my life and my mental state and checking my thoughts in the world ...

WORK: work is going well ... I am def all about getting to a new position ... there is a great adventure around the corner ... an internal job fair is tomorrow and i am going to attempt to blow the socks off the home office peeps ... i am tired and worn out of the close the store and then open the next day, etc ... its time to move to a new space

HOME: Things are good here... the month of october left me figuring out what i want to to seeing as the whole house may need to move... i have put much thought into this ... and set myself up to suceed for the next couple months ... I love this house and where i live ... and i know that dutchess loves this house ... we willssee how the future holds up ...

FRIENDS: my support sytem is one of the newest changing things in my world ... i have scaled some freinds down, added some that i have lost contact with over the years, i have had some healing and more ...
The hardest part has been letting some go that it was time to move on from ... i have delved deep in and accepted the faults i have worked to fix my wrongs but i also realized some frinedships have gotten to be too one sided and maybe not the most positive. for my life...

HEALTH: Speaking of challenges, lol ... my health has struggled a bit this month ... i have something that took me to the Emergency Room earlier in the month... it is not yet fixed yet and apparently wont til next mon... the stress and feeling of not being able to do anything sucks... on top of that i am a second wave of the crud as my mom always calls it ... but hopefully my dr. visits will fix whatever is wrong :)

OTHER STUFF: i have been in a very good space the last week or so ... i even went my first Halloween Party... it was so fun ... i have pics on my myspace (www.myspace.com/michaelman333)... i also have been truly enjoying the time i spend with chris... I have dreamt my whole life about someone that was just like chris ... warts and all i love him so much ...

just so many thoughts and it is all good ... life is truly good and i am thankful for that ...

hope all is well out there in blog land ...

my random mind drifts and wanders all over the place ... there is a disconnect ... poeple are so odd these days ... they truly are in ways i never thought possible ...

i have in the past year seen so much that i never wanted to experience... the lessons go on for a long time and never really stop at all ... i think that is part of what life is about ... we get older and more and more learn that people are so off ... i have recently been tested and i feel as if i failed it ... i let someone get to me ... with that i didnt handle it too well ...

well after much thought i have to use my moms word again ... OH WELL ... one thing this past year has broughten me is a clarity ... there was a point where my first partner told me that all gay men are just looking for the next best thing ... the truth is i have been in that place.. not so long ago ... looking and dreaming and wishing the best thing was here ...

then a month ago something happened and changed all that ... i am done looking ... the best part is i have never been so upfront and honest about anything with anybody... i laugh unlike i have ever laughed, i am giddy, i have dreams and hopes... i havent been so exicted ...

my looking is done ... i have my prince and a whole lot more than that ... i seriosly dream of him and together we share our hopes, dreams, laughter, tears...

after the past month we have endured more than most couples do in a year or more ... hospitals, sickness, gossip, domestic stuff, violence, my pup being in heat, moving (him not me), waiting for landlords, pain, loss, and doubt ... yet somehow i feel stronger than i thought i could ...

I have found my penguin (see the movie NEVER BEEN KISSED if lost on meaning) ... a true love ... and noone and nothing will change that ... support is good and i appreciate all the people and close frineds that i have
in my life to support me ... i cant wiat to send a future with my man ,, :)

and to the man sleeping next to me ... I LOVE YOU ...

i lost something earlier this year ... i have thought long and hard about that and realize now what it was ... HOPE ...

after a long time of pain and a lifetime of wants and needs i lost hope that there were decent poeple out there ... u have "dated" for lack of a better word a few guys only to question the strength and integrity of a persons word... i have seen a side of poeple that is selfish and uncaring... seen pople disappear after promising to be there for more than just the present ...

well today in an epiphanous moment ... it hit me ... there are signs all aorund me showing me that hope is still there ...

the most present hope in my life is sleeping next to me at the moment ... i have had a amazing bouts of insomnia...yet this amazing man i call my boyfriend sits lays next to me curled up with my pup... i have a little family and it brings me hope of the future ... i have been so scared to accept that there are decent people in this world... then CHRIS entered this shell that was left of my life ... i have a glimpse of my future and it looks amazing ...

i have also found much hope by just keeping an eye on what i want and what life has to offer me ... i just found out a freind that does a service on thanksgiving on xmas that i never knew about ... a totally selfless act ...

i think that the world is a hopeful place and i am not ready to give up yet ... the negativity at work, the negative air that exists will not eat at me anymore ... i cant let it ... i stopped taking my anti anxiety a couple weeks ago and it has had amaizing effects ... what a clear head i have had as of late ...

i am also working on way to heal ... CHRIS teaches me more and more everyday that healing is good and by being with someone you truly love that healing can be achieved ... the world is a grea place and i am thankful to be in it ...

as always casey says it best ...

Dawn
by Casey Stratton

Brightness holds me/I breathe again
Oneness finds me/Open and worth a try

Give me a sign
Bring me to life

I feel it/I know this
I've painted this skyline
I hear you/I'm near you
Let's give this a try
Don't paint me out of your life

Dawn breaks/The day wakes
I feel hope again/Maybe It can be
I don't recall what was said

Just give me your heart
I can play this part

I can't wait
I want it now
Hear what I am saying
See the trees swaying
Feel the breeze praying

funny hwo you get wisdom fomr the strangest places ... waking up and watching forrest gump at 3.30am and i got those word ...

sometimes there are not enough rocks...

i have felt sick, jubilant, happy, scared... October is such a hard time for me ... i dont know why ... now i am not sure what the future holds ... it seems that what i want is so hard to find ... peace ... i have been focusing more and more on the inside of it all ... i have found that i am wanting life to be the way it was years ago ... except adding Chris in the mix...

i miss my best freinds ... the ones far away, the ones close that harm themselves and blame others, the ones i know manipulate ....i have found it is time to move to a new place in my life and that means some new people ... some need to be pushed aside and there needs to be changes ... a new motto ... NO MORE HURT...that means there will more weeding out ... the poeple who i know i can trust and be a part of my life willbe here ...

there sometimes there are not enough rocks to throw at the pain ... not enough to pass around ... but for now there is me and that means way moer to my life than anything else ...

to those who are here for me and continue to support me thank you ... youw ill never know how much you mean and particularly one person ... who i can now say that i love ...

i am worn out ... i am tired of bars, gay culture, judgement, pain, and hurt...

so this week has been so long and tiring ... i feel drained to the core ... i have seen freinds lie to me ... attack me ... and just play fucking games ... i get blamed, threatened, and am just tored ... i refuse to take on anyones pain anymore ...

this week i think about it ... i have been sick, been to the emergency room, been hit and screamed at as if i was a bad person ... yet one thing that is amazing is the flip side ...

i met someone that is really knocking my socks off ... let me tell you about this guy ... he is sweet, caring, emotional, and seems to be in a good place in his life ... he has so far been here in so many ways i feel so touched and loved... i think i have found something good and i have no intention of letting go anytime soon ...

i have also never been scared but in a good way ... this man is gold ...

so depsite all the insanity the pain, the anger, the violence i am smitten and starting to fall for an amazing man ... he is showing me a new adventure and he cares and has an amzing way of helping me know ... that life is not worth giving up

so to chris i would like to dedicate this song to you ...

WHAT YOU LIKE
BY DARREN HAYES

I want to thank you my friend
For making me feel worthwhile
Sweeter than the honey of your lips and kindness in your smile
Hand in hand we float across the room
Explosions deep inside
Cheek to cheek, there's clouds under my feet
There's only you and I

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE
DOES THAT FEEL NICE /GIVE ME A SIGN
IF YOU LOVE IT I CAN DO IT AGAIN
WE'VE GOT THE REST OF THE NIGHT TO GET IT RIGHT
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE IF THAT FEELS NICE GIVE ME A SIGN
IF YOU LOVE IT I CAN DO IT AGAIN
WE'VE GOT THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO GET IT RIGHT

Lookin' back on lonely nights
Searching for love again
I never knew my journey began And ended with you my friend
Softer than your butterfly kisses
And stronger than my desire
I wanna thank you my friend For making me feel alive

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE...

I'll never mess it up again
Won't let it slip like grains of sand Through careless fingertips because
I'm a man who understands Though burned by the fire
I can learn to feel the light again and listen I can hear your defense
I know I can do it give me one more chance Baby here I am

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE ...

hugs
M

life is full of surprises ...

tonight i just ended a phone call that has now forever changed me ...i was apologized to and i apoligized .. i cried and it was ok ... i now have closure and i need that so bad ... i am seeing that more and more .. a bit of sadness mixed with happiness ...

i have had a couple of weeks that have really surprised me .. i fnd that i am learning to let go of the pain a bit ... and to find a new middle ground ... i am finding i am letting go of so many things at this point ... i am so scared of getting hurt and such that i have put up a wall so high i think i have even forgotten what i am wanting and looking for ... and now i see something that is before me and it is looking good ... so tonight i am closing a door and opening another ...

i am letting this wall be broken down ... a little bit brick by brick ... and i am ready to patient and see how it all turns out ... i am ready to take in more light ... cloase a door and open a new one ...

for my new open door i have this to offer...
SWEET SURRENDER
by sarah mclachlan

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees

and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
oh I miss everything

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room

to the door i am closing and healing ... i offer you these words ...
COOL
by Gwen Stefani

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now U found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool

RELATIONSHIPS -- are funny things to me ... one day someone is there and you think about them and how they are and then something, anything changes and it ends ... it is odd ... they just simply write you outta of their life ... today i was trying to contact someone and they sem to have written me out of thier life ... i find that so odd in this day and age .. they take you off lists dont answer calls and it is as if they delete you from thier life ... it is so odd ...

at the same time someone you watch form afar can enter your life and seem like someone you hsould have know for a life time ... hope is expounded and fear is there ,.. yet a calmness ...

i truly believe i am on the verge of something new and bold in my life ... i am still a bit apprehensive but i look forward to the adventure ...

i hope as i work to hold myself together i will be able to consider the upward swing and not be hurt by the ones i have cared for yet forgotten ...

here is to the new phoenix

today i found out someone that i consider very close to me is quiting his business and moving ... and i texted a mutual freind... he told me of the closure he had with this person ... IT HIT ME LIKE A LIGHTNING BOLT...

CLOSURE .... that i think is part of my process of the last couple years ... this person was actually my first freind that i had made in seattle and i had develeoped a crush on him ... but never fully closed the door on that ...

ever since my HIV diagnosis ... my brain has been alive with so many thoughts and emotions and little if any closure in my life ... i think that was why i started writing my life story but i feel that way with a lot of relationships as well ... its like there is dreaming, planning, and then all of a sudden a letting go with no real reason or resolve ... and the other person is just gone ...

I wandered around on the streets of my beautiful city ... a new pastime of mine ... and started to cry cause of the fact that i have lost so much ... i am so scared of losing all i know ... yet i have gained a lot ... i am slowing peeling away the peices of my past ... i am not even sure i have come to closure with my HIV yet ...\

i wish all the ones in my past luck ... i am also slowly pushing away certain people ... the negatives shall slide away to the ones that make my life very more nurturing and positive... i realize i have to go forward and work very hard to push past the things i have been scared of ...

i am fully inspired and it is time now ... time to make the tears into shards of a new future so here we go ... i am planning some new things bear with me while i am UNDER CONSTRUCTION... there will be many changes, editing, mapping and so many crazy things ...

but it is time for closure and newness....

i never thnought i would feel this way ... i am getting worn to the bone with people with the simple plain existance ... i am done with trying i am working my way towards the newest beginning ... i know i am known as the open one the one that is simply upfront and unabashedly honest well no more ...

truthfully i cant handle people anymore .. i have been sifting through my pastr through various mean in blogs, profiles, and others means diving headlong into what i have walked through and left behind ... i see now how I left a mess with Angelo ... his soul hasn't been the same i feel i left him damaged ... the first love of my life...

then Ro, my how i thought i understood so much but now see i understood nothing, the selfish sense of longing that he wanted, needed only now to be in what he now finds a true love and i am once again left behind ...

then i sifted and found others Dusty, Keegan, Mickey,Eugene, Tim, Brian, Louis, and then MGM ... and i see how he is happy now and that i once again am left behind ... amd now after the last one i am done ...i am assured now that being alone is the only way to protect myself ... that way my hopes will not be brought up and dropped again ... the excuses for the ending of these go from being too nice, too needy, too clingy, too gay, too sensitive, or just plain too much ,,,

people in general are getting on my nerves ... i guess i am suipposed to drop everything to be here for people ...here it is 3.30 i cant sleep and i having been crying for hours ... i want to be held ... i wanna be told its ok .. but truthfully i dont feel i have anyone i could call or talk to ,.. i am surely alone ... time to re think a lot ...

i will be making some changes and getting rid of many things ... i am simplifying and hiatus-ing .... i will be cutting much and i am sorry ... sorry that i am not strong enough to be all the things ...

I AM DONE ...

it changes ... life is a bizarre place that keeps up and downs ... i find that i am on a down ... i have lost my energy... walking home i found myself dragging ... i am burdened by more than anyone will ever know ... i feel like a failure in so many avenues of my life ...

lately it seems as if so many people in my life are so busy ... i dont mind being by myslef but most the pople i know are so consumed with thier own good things that they dont even ask me how i am or even follow through on their commitments ... i am losing faith in the poeple around and me ... and a lot of others i am finding have more negative energy or wanna party all the time ... i feel it is time to move forward to a new space in my time ...

i feel like i have nothing leftto give ... i dont know honestlyt what has happened to me ... i have thought a lot about options for what to do with life here on out ... i guess i feel i have so little left to give and i am not sure what happended to my desire and zest for life... i read how someone that hurt me a lot has moved on and is making a lot of money and things are going good for him ... and it seems good things are going for so many around me .. you know i just want a chance to have some happiness that lasts ..

i seriously think i am meant to be an old man with my dog ... i think that is what getting HIV was for ... the reality that i am meantto nowt have anyone ... at least anyone that is lasting ... my desires are to drink and get as drunk as possible ...or other things i dare not mention... so instead i stay here in my room and try to not think ... i sleep a lot more these days ...

i think the past few monthes i have lost something ... that is hope .. it slipped somewhere along the path ... and i feel that i am losing more and more each day ...
I have so much to figure out... and so much to let go of... not sure where it all leads ....

not sure whats going on in my head ... i have wanted to hide i think a lot about residual memory ... i am realizing that a year ago almost to the day i moved to spokane ... my ex had a funeral service since he is moving ... how odd the past year ... i find that i am reforming and remolding the glass that is the foundation of all that we are as poeple ... the future is such an unknonw place ... i know now that is never decided ... but yet i find myself feeling more and more lonely feeling ...

everyone seems to be moving in such a forward direction and yet i feel very stunted in so many avenues of my life ... i wanna explode lately ... i feel drained and sucked dry by the poeple directly surrounding me .. i have no energy left to give ,,, yet there is someone that i want to give my love to and it seems that person is not wanting the same... at least it seems hard to tell...

i find that i hate the fall more and more as time goes by ... i wanna hide behind the mass of hurt and doubt that is existing in my mind ... i know that i am not crazy but i feel that i cant control my emotions anymore...and i feel lost to everyone and everything ... i take my pills as directed and spend everyday focusing on all that i have to be thankful for yet i still feel so down and low ... what the hell is wrong with me... i want to just be held and told it will be all ok ... to be told that love does exist and that it is ok to let go and not be so scared of being hurt ... so much spinning in my head ... when will it stop ... that all i want right now ...

I have been reading an incredible book ... i feel every gay man should read ...
(http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/1555835066/sr=8-13/qid=1188319437/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_helpful/002-9316937-9615267?ie=UTF8&n=283155&qid=1188319437&sr=8-13#customerReviews)... i am finding it to be so helpful in regards to finding what works and what doesnt work ...
what a crazy week ... it has been so filled with a lot of work and go go go ... at the end of the week i had one of the most honest and open conversations with Chris ... thank god for communication .. it has completely changed my world to be dating someone who is open to talking and being honest about all the inportant things in a relationship ... and yet not wanna drag them in the ground over and over again ...

The start of a new life is good and i see so many good things starting ... on the whole it seems as if I amon the verge of something that is amazing ... i have been looking to starting my buddhism classes again and going to be going to see my girl DAWN in Tampa, FL to see Tori Amos in NOV....

I am finding that i am pretty settled into finding the up beat and positive energy around me and i am enjoying that the days are starting to become better and simple ... i do know that many poeple seem worried about me ... but truthfully i am great and excited to start my newest journeys... i just wanna check in with my frineds ... but when i do they ask if i am ok and that i sound "odd" to them ...

i think 2007 is the best year in my life so far ... so i must be doing something right ...

sometimes being upfront and happy about life is the good thing that comes out of the strength we create in our mind ... i feel that since Nov, 30, 2005 i have now entered my third stage of phoenixing ... this is very pivotal in my evolution ... i have finally gotten to that place that i like myself and know myself pretty well ... i am moved by many thing and i have seen that i am ready for a future that is quite uncertain ...

I think i have found somethings in my life that i am very pleased with ... i feel that it is time that my management/production company (www.myspace.com/trinityproductionsllc) to take it all to the next level ... check it out :)

I have also decided to delve in to the dark and see what kinda music i can pull out and start to really work on "SHATTERED GLASS"....

I have also decided to jump in and date someone again ... we will see how it all goes but i have a strong feeling about this one ,... this time I am taking it one day at a time ... i am so glad to just let things happens as they were meant to be ... chris makes me smile and laugh unlike i have done in a long time and dutchess loves him :) :)

life is always full of strange and bizarre surprises when you least expect it and the biggest surprise i have found is that i love myself a lot and that i am a pretty great guy ... i know that i am hard on myself but truthfully that is a part of my past i have to re-program myself into working back into a healthy place ...

IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR THE PHOENIX TO RISE FURTHER THAN EVER THOUGHT BEFORE ... I HEAR IT IN MY HEART, SOUL AND BODY ....

just to start i know everyone thinks i am mad at them, have disapeared or something the truth is i have been doing something new for a bit ... living life instead of just documenting it ...

so i feel as if i need to check in and make sure i get things out ... life is definately always showing me new things that i am NEVER prepared for ... I have been in such a bizarre and strange head space ... feeling very conflicted about so many ideas ... i took a mini vacation to Portland and got much needed head space that was indeed good for me to clear my thoughts slightly ...

I am realizing how naive i am to some things and yet how much i am aware of ... it is maybe a constant pisces trait ... constantly feeling in conflict ...

i can be the sweetest, caring and emotional guy you have ever met yet very aggresive and distant ... all at the same time .. i am a so driven yet so terrified to push myself ... i am continually scared of losing something in myself ... i am at a loss as to what direction my life should make ...

I am sensing so many poeple now that seem to be in a lot of pain... it is funny that we as people use ourselves to attack the pain ... and turn it around on ourselves... we drink, drug, hate, doubt, even fear ourselves...it is so sad to see and watch as poeple i care about hurt themselves... i know i am hard on myelf but at least i know i am worth something ... i know i deserve love and good things ...

on the other side of my thoughts i know that i have been wanting a lot of things at this moment ... maybe it is my age or something like that ,,, but i am really craving settling down with a great man, having children and enjoying a more domestic life ... i like my life but i am just craving the settling down part latley ..

aside from that my mind has been just kinda spinning around in a haze of random thoughts ...
thats all for now ...

ah i havent disappeared ,,, just been enjoying the simple times life has brought me ... and of course continuing to be tired and a bit wore down... lately i have been searching for the simples things to find pleasure... sometime they are harder to find ...

dutchess has been so amazing lately ...i feel i have a bit more time to spend with her and she loves having a yard now ... i watch her in utter amazement ... she is so animated and adorable ... i cant get over that i have an amzing little girl ... she has been so active that she sleeps through most nights lately ...

i have been thinking a lot about relationships and all the work i have been doing for myself ... it has actually been quite exciting ... i think i am finally finding some understanding into things i have doubted about myself ...

the only thing i find i really struggle with is finding my voice in terms of my own talents ... i find that to me my largest struggle ... i feel so untalented and i want to get something started to shgow my voice ... i also need to work on my photos again ... i think i lost something the last year but it is helping me gain more than i thought ... i just wish i could be more able to enjoy the art of writing again like i used to ...

aside from that i have really taken the time to get out and am meeting so many amazing new people as well as making some older one close again ... the whole thing with living with Ro again i thought would be weird and awkward and yet it isnt ... it has been the most freeing living situation ,,, i am truly seeing myself open up more ...

so i hope that it will yeild a new fruitful creative stride for me ,...

something has happened to me ... i find after a week of gentle thoughst i am ready to purge thoughst with a good cry fest ... a good one ... i am terrified in several things coming my way ... but i am ready to take the proverbially bull by the horns and let some go ...

my biggest fear has actually approached me ... in the form of an angel ... and the possiblility of an ideal i thought i would never even attempt is staring at me in the face ... i am to a point i am ready to move forward and see where my journey leads ... i have a feeling in this path ... i have no doubts i am moving into something that is so wonderful ... and time is going slow and i like that ...

TRINITY PRODUCTION (www.myspace.com/trinityproductionsllc) is about to take off i know that and it will be good ... i am ready to work on some great show ideas .. i am now cut one day back at work so i can focus more on that.... our first artist Rick has his art showing at starbucks on 15th on Cap Hill now so if in seattle check it out ....

i aam excited to get back to being a parent after a week of getting ready to move and a week of house sitting i miss my little girl i have barely seen her.... my little dutchess has been so good ... she rocks my world ... thank god for Ro being there :)

and lastly i am inspired to work on my own tunes ... as well as pics ... th erest of this summer it is on for my endeavours ... i think i will look back in a couple monthes and i will have some of the greatest things in my life and if all works out the way i vision it ... i will be the happoest man in the world :)

and J. if you are reading this ... MWAH

no i havent died or anything ... i am alive just been tending to myself as of late ... i moved again to west seattle ... OMG the dutchess is so happy to have a yard and to play with the crazy kitty next door Banshee.... aside from that been house sitting for a week in issaquah at my freind jen's house ... i am finding i keep sleeping tons and tons ...

i also saw TRANSFORMERS twice yeah thats right twice in les than a week ... i guess i like it since i havent seen a really entertaining movie in a while ... i have been enjoying some time with low maintennace me for a while ... there are all sorts of crazy things entering my world ,,, i am a bit scared of it all cause it seems as if things are really working out for me ... i am not used to that ...

i have many things taking place in the works i think i may have found a new collaborator .,.. in many arenas of my life ,,, but as i try always to do one moment at a atime .,.. i have noticed still a bout of depression in me ... i am not sure why ... i think i am missing something i didnt expect to miss ... i am so glad to take time in the events i have before me though i know that something is there ... there is still that shift ... been listening to Darren Hayes new song and i am in love iwth his voice ,,, inspiration all around me ,...

As strange as it is to say i am at a loss for what to say ... i feel kinda excited about being under the radar ... i am living life a little less over the top and extreme ... and not so out in the open ... it is almost like i am getting to experience things on my terms and noone can tell me if its right or wrong ,.. i am trusting my gut...

i know i am on the verge of something wonderful....

i sit here and look at my sleeping pup... she is the light of my life ... she is so pure and innocent ... never knowing the shame we as humans hold ... she loves me uncoditionally and will never leave me in the dust ... never hurt me .. NEVER ... today she has been attached to me like nothing else...

i fell into a place i swore i would never be again ... it is time to let go ... it is funny i was feeling like i was making strides and not looking back .. i was jaded by the light of what was thought to be a freindship ... i was wrong ... i walk away in shock over the ghosts of the pasts .. i guess i have much more to work on ... i take a step back and re-evaluate ..

i am finding that i have no clue anymore how to be healthy and happy ... i seem to have an art of finding the addictive ones, teh ones who have to have their substance and let that take more priority in their lives ...

is it possible that i have to high of a criteria... a guy who can be a great conversationalist, being deeper into life than labels ... someone who wants to travel, have a family, be freinds, lovers and partners.... someone who can be social with out the need to drink every night ... someoene who doesnt make a bar their social scene ... someoen that enjoys sex and isnt scared to have adventure and be comfortable being with an HIV+ guy... someone willing to get that i have my things they will have thiers but that will be with me nonetheless ... someone who wants monogamy ... someone who loves me for me and doesnt want me to change ... someone willing to love me as well as my puppy and know how important she is to me ...

a long list i know that is why i wait ... i will work on the other things at this moment ... the tings i know to be inportant to me ... i just am going to crawl into bed now and hold my little girl ... she knows me ... and i will love her always ...

Such a random bizarre place for me the last couple days ... i all of a sudden am feeling very vrey aggresive...

i am feeling tired with the state of teh way poeple react in this world lately ... i think somewhere along the line we lost our compassion and caring ... poele have seemed so rude ...and i laugh and joke but that has left me exhausted to be honest ... at least i am trying ...

i cant be esponsible for everything anymore and i know one thing in my world... that is this : I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDS IN THE WORLD...i am blesed ... i have been emotional for a lot pf reasons but they still stand by me ...

the good things (which i am trying to focus)is that my business is really taking off, i have a move that will be so healthy for me .. i have the most amazing puppy ever she is so much light in my world .. i cry over it sometimes ...

I find that i am so overly critical of myself ...i am working to step back and curb that part of myself ... i think re teaching and finding some spirituality is in more need ...

i think somehow as human and particularly the generation and environment many people my age grew up in ... we are coditioned to not see the good ... as a result we tend to push ourselves harder and try much more to win approval ... i am not part of a generation that was spoiled cause of low parentage but instead not given the time to be told i was worth anything ...

I am making a vow to myself for from this day ,,, the first official day of summer, 2007 to no longer let myself be as critical as i have been in the past ... working everyday to find my inner self and not be so harsh ...